i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
