for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
