Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
