are you still at the devil's house?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
