drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
this will be a night to untag.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
