My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
