Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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