I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
