I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
