I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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