How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
