she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I have aggressive nipples.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
