"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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