Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
