chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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