I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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