You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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