I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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