His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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