pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
