hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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