thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
