just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
