I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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