I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
