So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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