I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
