Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
