Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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