new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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