I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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