he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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