How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
