I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
