I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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