Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
did i just pee glitter
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
