i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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