I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I AM VODKA MAN
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
