hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
