I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
