I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
