Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
