Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
