Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
