had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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