he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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