An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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