He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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