She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
