I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
