Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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