Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
