omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
