I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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