So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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