apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
