just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
